Dear Therapist,
I have recently been laid off from work and I am having to look for another job within my field of expertise. I am an IT network technician and so far finding a new job is challenging because my field is very competitive. Making things worse, however, is that my mother is making me feel like I am a failure for things that are not in my control.
– Failure?
Dear Not a Failure,
While I know so little of the context that you’re writing from I imagine that the so many people can relate to your experience of suffering. The pandemic has brought so much chaos into our lives and careers. So many people have lost their jobs and are struggling personally, financially, and with their families. You are not alone.
The fact that you have been employed in the IT field means that you have a deep ability to learn, you’re hirable, and have a valuable skill to offer.
It is a common experience for us to identify our value with what we do for work. However, that is a limited way of seeing ourselves and never is a broad enough base to hold all the value that we have in who we are. We get so much of that way of seeing things from the world around us but it sounds like you have that being explicitly communicated to you from your mother as well.
Being made to feel responsible for things that are out of our control is one of the surest ways to make someone feel crazy (and likely depressed and anxious).
There are, of course, cultural and familial contexts that play into this so I can’t speak to all the complexity that you’re experiencing. However, from my perspective, your mother is doing more harm than good. Maybe from her perspective she is trying to motivate you, or maybe her own shame is making her pass it on to you, but either way I can imagine that in this time of pain and suffering you’re looking for a certain kind of support.
Again, one option would be for you to share with her how you’re being hurt and to see if you can get her to understand and to change her behavior towards you. You are the expert there, you know whether that is something that you’d be willing to risk. So be safe. If that doesn’t seem like something that would be worth it or that you’re willing to do then boundaries and non-familial relationships are a path way to maintain some sense of security and an alternative way to get our emotional and relational needs met.
– Kevin
Kevin Cram is a licensed psychotherapist focused on helping people overcome developmental trauma and attachment challenges as well as the symptoms that are inevitably linked. He works from a relational psychoanalytic/dynamic perspective. He sees clients in the Southern California area.
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